Shame and taking responsibility
We’re starting the Torah again from the beginning! I’m very excited about starting again with Sefer Bereishit, as the family and interpersonal stories contain a lot of emotions that our children encounter in their day to day lives, and it’s a great way to get them talking about them!
Talking Point 1: Feeling shame and “hiding” from it.
After Adam and Chava eat from the Eitz HaDa’at, the Torah tells us that they “heard the voice of Hashem walking in the Garden…and [they] hid from Hashem amongst the trees of the Garden.”
Why do you think that Adam and Chava hid from Hashem? (they were embarrassed/ashamed, they were afraid of what Hashem would do/say?)
Do you think that hiding would help them avoid Hashem? (probably not!) If they also *know* that hiding from Hashem won’t actually work, do you think it might make sense they do this anyways?
Note: This is an opportunity to talk with children about how our emotions and actions aren’t always “rational”- Adam and Chava could *know* that there’s no “hiding” from Hashem but could still hide because a part of them thinks that maybe it actually will help them, or even without thinking it might just be their natural reaction.
Can you think of any time that you were embarrassed or ashamed by what you did? That you were worried how an authority figure (parent, teacher, someone else) would respond? How did that feel? Where in your body did you feel it? Could you give a metaphor to describe it (for example: like a weight on your shoulders, like there was a block in your chest, like your face was burning up)?
Did you ever try to “hide” to avoid the consequences of what happened? Looking back, did it make sense to hide? Did it feel “safer” when you were hiding, before you had to face the issue?
This is a great opportunity for parents to model for their children times when they felt embarrassed and how they dealt with it. Although this is an emotion we deal with at all stages of life, it is often much harder to deal with at earlier stages (as with many emotions!): often, the stronger sense of self and emotional regulation skills adults have developed help us better deal with these emotions and model for our children how to deal with them.
Talking Point 2: Taking responsibility for our actions.
When Hashem asks first Adam and then Chava “What happened?” (more or less), they each give the following answers: Adam says “the woman that you gave me, she gave me from the tree and I ate it;” Chava says “the snake tricked me and I ate.”
What do you think about the responses that Adam and Chava gave to Hashem? Are they technically true? Do you think that they are good answers?
It is likely that one of the children will point out that they are “passing on the blame” to others and/or not taking responsibility, even though they are not lying. As a follow up, you can ask them *why* would Adam and Chava do such a thing, and then talk about how it is sometimes difficult emotionally to accept responsibility for our actions.
Why do you think it might be hard to take responsibility?
Part of the difficulty may stem from a fear of consequences, but another part could very much be about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves: we don’t want to be the kind of person who does things that are “wrong”. For that reason, we may tend to pass the responsibility of our regrets on to other people or circumstances. Even though this is sometimes necessary, and can help protect us emotionally at points, it can also hold us back from making changes and improving: if everything wrong we’ve done isn’t our fault, we’re not responsible to ever make a change.
To this end, you can also discuss the differences between the response of the first two kings to being told they had done wrong: Shaul HaMelech at first passes responsibility on to the nation (Shmuel I 15), while David HaMelech’s immediate reaction is to say “I have sinned to Hashem” (Shmuel 2 12:13).
There is a lot to discuss in the parsha also about jealousy (between Kayin and Hevel) and regret (with Hashem’s “regrets” once people begin sinning): feel free to think of ways to bring those up as well!
